entered ironman

i entered ironman new zealand today but i am not telling anyone. why? well, i have a few reasons but i am not sure that they are completely clear to me so i am not sure that they will be clear to anyone. i think that if i try and explain them, you will gain an understanding but i think that it may be different to mine.
but here goes:
firstly - why i am entering ironman nz.
the seed was put in my head a few years ago when a mate of mine started talking about it. since then it has been growing and now it is has become dream of mine - something that has to be done.
but that is the boring part.
the ironman is all about that crap about setting yourself a physical and mental challenge; about the discipline and work one has to commit to and the sacrifices etc.
i think that is all valid but i think that those reasons are almost cliched. and as with all cliches it looses its meaning somewhat.
so why am i doing it?
because i want to. because it is a cool race to do. and because i can tell people i did it.
because i like the idea of being a little heroic (even just to a few people), and i think that people that have done it are heroic.

why am i not telling anyone that i have entered?
that is my challenge. that is the self growth part of the ironman. that is the part of my self that i want to work on. i am a big talker. whenever i race i talk it up. "i am going to do the best race ever." "i want to go out hard and see if i can hold on for a good time." "i am going to smash this race." and generally i perform worse than i talk about. i try to be humble but i don't think i succeed very much. also my motivation for the ironman is dangerously close to doing it to impress people rather than doing it for the race.
so i am not telling people about it. i want to try and keep it slightly more pure than my motivations. i want to use the race to grow up a bit.

and i guess i am writting this blog to release a bit. to talk it up a bit. to get it out there without compromising my challenge to myself.
do i fail by doing so? i am not sure - maybe. but it this is fun and i don't care.